Pandora´s Blog - Skins series 4

Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar! Guess who's just got their test results back? Not like when you get test results back for a rash on your minky but like when you do a super hard career aptitude test? It's me you flippin numptys! I didn't really want to go because I wanted what I was going to be to be a surprise (like when you have a baby) but Mum decided it was for the best. The lady who tested me and made me count how many times I could say the word 'banana' and hop on one foot in one minute told me that I am almost definitely going to be............ A Careers Advisor! I know! It's bonkers!

So I'm going to try and do some careers advice on you and see how it turns out...

Effy -You always said fluffer but I think you'd make a whizzer wildlife cameraman. You're well good at waiting for hours without moving - just to capture the perfect moment. And then you could work for the hotty that is David Attenborough and bring him over for Mojitos and we can ask him what his favourite kind of fruit fly is and if elephant sperm are the same size as regular sperm.

Thomas- Thomas (or as he now definitely does prefer, Captain Sexy Lumps) should be one of those musicians who visits soldiers back from war who can't speak about what happened or refugees who are stuck away from their families. And he'd play music with them until the point when they can't help themselves and they have to play some too. Afterwards they can decide to talk about things, or they can just go home and have a sandwich. But they feel better about themselves because of the music and because of Thomas. And maybe the sandwich if it was one they liked.

Katie - You know like how you know all of the rich people in Bristol? What if you invented something to sell to all the rich people? And then you would be rich! Here's one to get you started....Dog Jewellery? Think how cute a little doggy would look all dressed up like the Queen. Chihuahuas in Tiaras!!! That one's on the house..

JJ - Magician, obviously. Or Magician's assistant. Or midwife. Because it's a bit like pulling a rabbit out of a hat.

Naomi - You're always saying that you want to change the world and that's very nice, but it looks very hard to do so I have decided the easiest and coolest way to do this is for you to become an assassin. It's probably very hard actually but everyone looks good in black so that's job half done there.

Emily - Naomi's wife

Cook - Hostage Negotiator Because he can get anyone chatting, plus he loves excitement. But then he does also start fighting when people don't agree with him, and that would be bad with terrorists because I think they quite like to fight already. So instead I think he would make a great jockey. He'd get to let off all his energy everyday and then go get munted on champagne and surf n' turf all the posh women that come to the races in the big scary hats that look like they're eating their heads.

Freddie - should be a writer of those skinny novels that mum hides at the back of the airing cupboard next to her love eggs. Freds has seen enough porn that he could bang out one a week - they've got loads of them in airports behind The Da Vinci Code - and by the time he's 30 he'd be rich enough to retire to a big mansion like that creepy old man who runs the brothel with all the women dressed up as rabbits. And if things didn't work out with Cook and the horses he could be Fred's Butler and roll his spliffs and guard him from Naomi if someone hired her to shank him.

And then we can all go and live in Freddie's big house and just lie around all day drinking drinks out of fruit and wearing big hats and sunglasses and pushing each other in the willy shaped pool like they do on telly. And we could set up our own farms and everyone will get married to everyone just like that funny campsite Naomi's mum lived at for a bit. I'll get the proper brochures off Doug and that, but Freddie and Naomi should probably get cracking with the plan now. Just to be on the safe side.

Muchly lovely x